by

Stanley Edward

(Deputy Starter Belle Vue Speedway)

Australia's pair were Grosskreutx and Case
And ev'ryone thought them a cert,
England had Varey but Langton was off
So they put in a spare man named Bert.

The crowd shouted 'Bert this match rests wi' thee
So come on and give us thi' best'
Bert looked at Varey and says with a sigh
'It's fust time I've rode in a Test.'

'Tha's aw reet', says Frank in a fatherlike way
And Bert looks at him like a son,
'Thee go like 'eck but mind tha stops on
Then't pushers got 'im started in one'.

Up went the gate and they're off with a roar
And were lost in a shower of dirt,
But right in the midst of it down comes a bike
And there on the track lies Young Bert.

The crowd went all quiet in an 'olylike 'ush
And none of them uttered a sound.
St. John's men and pushers were running like mad
To where poor Bert lay stiff ont' ground.

They lifted his head and took off his hat
And said to him 'What 'appened Bert?'
'Frank knocked me off so 'ell pick me up,
Ther's nowt wrong wi' me, A'm not 'urt.'

'Tha knocked mi reet o'er', Bert says to Frank,
'Tha knows tha were goin 'ter quick'.
'A ne'er did' says Frank, and A'll tell thi what's more
A wouldn't pick thi up fer Old Nick.'

Clerk o't'course came up with a sailorlike gait
And says 'Now then what's all this 'ere?
Get on thi bike and don't mess about
Tha knows well Frank Varey weren't near.'

The Steward came next in an officious way
To find out the cause of the trouble,
And ev'ryone there, excepting Young Bert
Was full of excitement and bubble.

'Bert! Bert! get on thi bike,'
The Steward then said with some heat,
'As Frank knocked me off 'e mun pick mi up
A don't care if A lies 'ere ae neet.'

They brought up the doctor, a policeman and such
A parson, and then Mr. Spence,
Said 'Let's bring his father he's 'ere somewhere
P'raps he'll make his own lad see sense.'

Bert's father came next and looks down at him
And says 'Lad why cause all this bother?
Get on thi bike, do it fer me
Just ter please me and thi Mother.'

'A can't Dad' says Bert 'Not even fer thee
It wouldn't be just if A did,
Frank knocked me off so e'mun pick me up
A wouldn't get up fer ten quid.'

'Aw reet then' says Dad 'A knows what A'll do,
But don't say A ne'er gave thi warning,
A'll fetch thi wife, she'll mek thi get up
She gets thi up fust ev'ry morning.'

Up comes Bert's missus who gives him a shove
And says 'Get up thi big lazy lump!'
'It's quarter to seven, tha'll be late fer thee work'
And Bert fell out o' bed wi' a bump

(With apologies to Mr Stanley Holloway)